September 25, 2009

[revjim.net] -- Feedback

First of all, I'd like to point out the fact that, I love comments. Even if just a "me too" or an "I like this" or a "I disagree" or a "stop being a douche". Just knowing that someone cared enough to read through something I've written makes me day.

Secondly, I'd prefer that you comment HERE on this site. When I write, a little stub get sent to LiveJournal. A notification also gets Tweeted. Friendfeed also picks it up. Facebook republishes my Friendfeed, but I also make it a point to "share" the link on my Facebook page too, so if there's a photo you all get to see a snippet of it. Some of you subscribe via email, so you read it that way. Most importantly I want comments. And if that means you write it on a cocktail napkin and mail it to me, then so be it. But, if you can be troubled to leave them HERE then I benefit from the fact that other people will read what you've written and maybe have something to say about it too.

Thirdly, I've integrated lots of ways to login to leave a comment so that it's easy. You can log in with Twitter, Facebook, Livejournal, Disqus, Yahoo, Google, or any OpenID provider.

Finally, I think my comments are broke right now, and this is a test to see if that is true.

Update: I figured out what was wrong with the comments. Feel free to leave one and test.

September 24, 2009

[revjim.net] -- keeping forever

cookie monsters

Rows and rows of empty boxes,
waiting for their fills.
Peace, alone, time to waste,
and this handful of pills.

I used to keep a small paper notebook with me at all times. Throughout the day I'd often pull it out quickly to jot down an idea, a daydream, the remnants of a short story flashing through my mind, the chorus to a song, or a quick blurb of prose that seemed profound. Once or twice, I've even tried to write while driving or quickly at a stop light. In fact, I really should have gotten one of those personal recorders but hearing my words in my own voice after the fact always ruined it for me.

I don't keep that notebook any more. I'm still filled with ideas. I still get those quick flashes of clarity. I still find myself tapping into the mind of some imaginary someone and then falling back out again. I still find ways to frame my own situation in the lives of people who are not me. But, I don't keep the notebook any more.

Much like all the photos I take, there is just never enough time to sort through them all, polish them up, and show them off to people that might enjoy them. In a lot of ways, both the notebook and the photographs are for me alone. But even then, my time is so short, I rarely take a moment to look back over them.

So all of these notes and all of these photos stay with me. I carry them from place to moment as if packed tightly into box after box after box. A few times in the past, either by choice or by accident, I've emptied all of those boxes. Seeing them that way brought a sense of peace but, in the end, it was mostly just lonely.

So instead of emptying the boxes, over time, I've just stopped filling them up. I take fewer photos. I jot down fewer notes. Yet I maintain the illusion that I'm keeping these days with me always because there are all of these boxes forever following me around.

It's just an illusion, though. I feel as though sharing my words, my thoughts, and my photos with others will cause them to live forever. Whether it's peace, clarity, happiness, sadness, arousal, understanding, or knowledge, when something I've done carries forward into another life, it's as though that thing lives on forever like a beneficial virus being passed from carrier to carrier.

With this in mind, it seems simple enough to just share these things, even unpolished. But that conjures up new fears. What if being so prolific and unfiltered in those things causes it to suffer the same fate I often do here in thought? What if all of these photos and moments and thoughts and dreams and ideas so precious to me become nothing but brain vomit to be kicked through and cleaned off of shoes and feet with disgust? What if it just gets in the way? Not only would I have trouble accepting that, it would have an effect the opposite of my intent.

September 22, 2009

[revjim.net] -- slowly twisting in the wind

I see you there

• There is a certain peace that comes with the understanding that something I was afraid to try wouldn't have worked out anyway. With the sadness of loss comes the satisfaction of knowing.
• I'm taking Celeste to the Texas State Fair this weekend. If I go on Friday it'll be a mad dash to pick her up from school and get out there and I'll probably drive and park and all of that. But if I go on Saturday the DART Light Rail now has a Green Line that runs to Fair Park. I'm thinking about parking in Plano and taking the Light Rail down. Maybe stopping for a late lunch at Mockingbird Station along the way.
• Celeste hasn't slept well for many nights. I know she has a sinus and ear infection, probably due to the change in weather, her teeth coming in, or both. I prefer not to give her Antibiotics every time she gets an infection but if this lasts much longer I'm going to take her in.
• As a way of increasing my aerobic activity and neutralizing the negative effects of electronic sedation without having to totally cut myself off, I'm in the market for a stationary bike, elliptical, or other aerobic exercise machine. I'd prefer to get my exercise under the big blue sky or a blanket of stars. But, often the only time I can find for it is once Celeste is asleep at which point leaving the house isn't an option.
• At some point in the past this site changed from a technical blog about web development and gadgets to a photo blog (which has moved). It has since changed again to become a blog about parenting, health, clean food, and life. I'm finally okay with that.
• I'm finally starting to accept Kyro's advice: I've lived a lot and experienced many things. Talking to a girl I don't know shouldn't be difficult. Even if I happen to have a baby on my hip.
• My In-Laws will more than likely be visiting Celeste during our trip to NY/VT. I am strangely okay with this. During my marriage to Jess I lived in great fear of their disapproval. This no longer plagues me. I see them simply as a set of people wishing to share Celeste's life. They are good people, they bring a positive influence to Celeste, and there's no way that's a bad thing.
• I overspent in the past month. Which really isn't a good thing to do before a vacation since I'll likely overspend then too. So I've got myself on lockdown for now.
• I need to find someone to care for my kitties while Celeste and I are in the Northeast. I hate asking for favors.
• Tonight is my first Tuesday without Celeste on the new schedule. I've got a light dinner, cleaning, web site editing, and photography on the slate all in small, undefined portions.
• I think my new glasses were made wrong. They hurt my eyes. A lot. So I have to go get them looked at today. If there is something wrong with them, hopefully they can get them fixed before I leave for the Northeast. If not, I'll be wearing contacts and my old glasses. I have a picture of them, but I'd rather not put it here. Let me know if you want to see. Don't worry, I'm fully clothed. ;)

September 18, 2009

[revjim.net] -- what I want

A few years ago spending time with people that mattered to me and respected me was the most important thing in my life. That hasn't changed. That still is what is most important. We are, after all, very social animals. Being social makes us happy. And, as I've said before, success is happiness.

But the people that I find myself surrounded by continues to change. As the core of my group grows and shrinks and mutates, those that support that core fluctuate as well. While staying out until 3am drinking and laughing and smoking and doing silly things that I should regret the next day but probably wont still sounds like a REALLY GOOD TIME, it just doesn't happen. Not because of lack of opportunity and not because of lack of desire. There are merely more important things. No matter how drunk I get, no matter how loud I sing, no matter who I accidentally make out with, I wouldn't trade the smile on my daughter's face, and an early morning walk with her for it. No way.

But this isn't about Celeste. I mean it is, but it isn't. Because I wouldn't trade a happy smile and a nice morning walk with anyone I care about for a night of carelessness and lack of inhibitions. For me, an intimate moment with someone I care about has always been more important. Now, if I can have both, then I'll take it.

This isn't a holier than thou thing. There's nothing wrong with preferring the super-social acts of silliness and debauchery over a quiet, happy, peaceful moment. Everyone is built differently. I'm not knocking those of you who would prefer to stay out late and party. In fact, if I can find a way to get what I want most and join you too, then I will.

Getting married, or finding a significant other, or having a child, or moving within walking distance of your closest friends changes things for people like me. It isn't because I've changed who I am. And it isn't because the event or other person changes me. It is, instead, because with that change comes that which I seek the most. And, in having it, I choose it over and over again.

So that's where I am. That's where I've always been. I seek intimacy and closeness. I seek it in all of it's forms. I seek it as often as I can have it. And I seek it in ways that allow me to have even more of it, instead of in ways that would limit me from finding it. Often that means being around people with the same priority pattern because it just works out that way. But it doesn't have to.

I still like being super-social and wild too. Believe me, I've still got it in me. And if I can find a way to do both, I will. And if being super-social is on the top if your list, but an intimate, close moment with a good friend sounds enjoyable too, then maybe we can work it out to where we both get what we want.

I'm learning that anything is possible. ANYTHING.

September 17, 2009

[revjim.net] -- every moment

little to see

This morning, I am just blah. I feel like I'm not doing enough or being enough of anything. Despite having more of it, I feel like my time with Celeste is more rushed and less interesting. I feel the same for what little time I have for myself. I have so much I want to do, and yet I feel like what I get done is mostly mindless administration.

I am working to improve the quality of the time I have, both with myself and with my daughter. I am working on making the administration important and meaningful and memorable, even if that means that everything takes twice as long. Simple things like cooking a meal, or cleaning a floor, or a walk around the block can be an amazing shared experience when taken that way and treasured.

I am learning to appreciate every moment of life. I am learning to cherish every second I have with my daughter, no matter what it is we're doing. I am learning to take in every laugh, every smile, and every sip of wine shared with a friend and hold it just a little bit longer. I am learning to respect the things I don't understand without requiring them to picked apart into pieces. I am learning to cherish what I have in front of me without falling prey to my own sadness for that which I do not have. I am learning to improve what I do have without ruining the essence of what it is. Those last two are really difficult. I am still learning. I will be forever learning. That's really what makes us who we are.

I don't need a post-it note on my back to remind me of this. I don't need it written in the shower fog on my mirror in the morning. If I have something to remember, I write it on my hand so that I see it as I'm doing. But it'd be even better if it came from a friend ready to share in that next lesson.

September 16, 2009

[revjim.net] -- And I can't sing the blues anymore

I've got a 9am meeting this morning so I have to rush Celeste out the door. This will not be fun. No bath. Eat in the car. And my having to say no in regard to playing, reading books, and going for a walk will probably bring plenty of tears. But… if I can keep a good attitude. Maybe she will too. I could just wake her up earlier, but, she didn't get to bed until late. And I rather ruin my day than ruin hers.

I went to pay a big stack of bills this morning to find that they were all either not actually bills or already paid. Hooray. Cause I'm running low on cash.

Had a nice time at the park yesterday with Celeste, Bonnie, Justin, and Niece (their dog).

I think it's sad that no one writes sappy love songs any more. Not the "umf umf, let's do it all night long, cause I can go all night" kinda song. I mean the "brown-eyed girl", "I wanna hold your hand", "something in the way she moves" variety. Or maybe people are writing them and I just haven't heard them. What's your favorite love song from the past five years that doesn't include "li-li-li-lick you from your head to your toe" in the lyrics?

I think my mattress is broken. Or something. It was expensive and purchased within the last 2 years so, in theory, it should still be comfortable. But I feel like my weight has made a permanent dent in it and that shouldn't be possible. That dent is causing it to not support my weight like I need. Yeah, yeah, insert all the fat jokes you want right here. I'm not sure if I should call them and see, sell the thing and buy a new one, or just live with it. I'm not looking forward to the hassle of dealing with customer service. Regardless, it hurts my back. Maybe I'll sleep on the air mattress for a few nights and see if it's any better. If so, at least then I'll know it's responsible.

September 15, 2009

[revjim.net] -- electronic sedation

I don't watch much TV, really. But, still, I feel like it's starting to play too big of a role in my life. After a long day of work and chores and meeting the demands of other people, I put Celeste down for bed and, often, as was the case last night, I fall asleep doing so. An hour or so later I wake up again with an hour or two ahead of me before I need to go to sleep. I have no problem giving myself those few hours. But, what I do with them is important and they greatly influence the rest of the hours of each day.

This should be a time to pay bills, read a good book, prepare ingredients for the next day's supper, fold laundry, call a friend, edit photos, enjoy a cup of tea, stare into the night's sky, clean something, exercise, or work on one of my many ongoing projects. More often than not, I find myself too tired to consider any of those things and I turn to what basically amounts to electronic sedation: the television. At least I watch good TV. In moderation that would be okay. But as it slowly becomes a daily thing I can feel my energy levels dropping day after day. Worse yet, I usually snack while doing it. Which means I've gained a little of all that weight I lost back.

I slept all night last night, didn't wake hardly at all, and yet I'm exhausted this morning. Last night I just wanted to lay on my back and stare at the ceiling instead of laughing and playing and dancing and enjoying time with my daughter. I almost managed to convince myself to not get up this morning, and just sleep another hour or so. So I'll drink coffee and take medicine and eventually make it through today, but tomorrow will be the same story if I don't stop the pattern now.

So I'm going to have to impose some artificial limits on myself until my natural moderation kicks back in. I'm happy to provide specifics to those interested. Feel free to offer silly, serious, or sexy award for my success. It helps more than I can express.

September 14, 2009

[revjim.net] -- first train home, I've got to get on it

finer details

It's saddening and maddening to realize that, these days, nearly every frustration I face is merely a byproduct of a time and work based society without control over our own timeline. Our ancestors did not face these stresses. At one point did we become so dependent on progress that we failed to realize that what we have now is worth living.?

My three step manifesto is going well. I had one failure with #3, but I've since course corrected.

C's mom and I have a new schedule we're trying with her in the hopes of offering both her and us some more stability. So with the exception of one day a week (Tuesday) and the weekends (which are always wildcards whether I get to spend time with my daughter or not) my days with and without her are now set and are the same every week. I'm slowly picking out what's going to work best for us. I think that Sunday nights, the only "school night" on which I never have Celeste, will be reserved for me-time. So I'll put no requirement whatsoever on myself to keep with with any obligations outside of the bare minimum. And I think I'll reserve Tuesday, the only alternating "school night" for larger projects at home — crafts, cleaning, shampoo making, etc. It'll make it easier for me to have a set day to postpone larger jobs to in order to help me forget about them and enjoy the rest of the week. And for really large jobs that Celeste can't help with, I'm only ever, at most, two weeks away. Otherwise they consume me.

This new schedule isn't the best ever. But it's certainly a big step in the right direction. As has always been the case with changes like this, I'm now struggling with figuring out how I'm going to manage it all and still put in the time required of me at work. One day at a time, I'm getting out of this.

If I didn't have the back and forth with Celeste to adhere to, I really think we'd be better off and far happier in a tiny little town with enough land to keep a few chickens, a few goats, and a small garden. Especially if I could find a like minded person or two to share the work load with. Ideally, I'd have a big enough property to put 4 or 5 small houses on with some interesting common areas.

Panic is setting in about our trip to New York / Vermont. Not so much that I won't be able to make it, but that I won't be able to live up to the expectations that others are no doubt placing on this trip. I, for instance, have things I'd like to do that have nothing to do with any of my family there. They can come, of course, but it's more for Celeste and I. I'm worried that our "schedule" will be too much for others to handle. I've already gotten two cases of stress. The first was me telling my mom that I was going straight to my grandmothers when we got off the plane. I asked her if she could have dinner for us so that we could see her sooner (knowing she'd want that) and she said that we were getting in too late for her to eat. So then I told her that we'd stop somewhere on the way in and go straight to my grandmas to unpack, say hello, bathe, and get to bed, to which she objected because she wants to see us right away. After I agreed to stop at her place and pick her up for an hour or so and then bring her home, she objected because she wanted to stay at my grandma's until Celeste went to bed, not realizing how late that might be and not understanding that, once Celeste goes to sleep I won't be able to leave until she wakes up again.

Ugh. I think I should stop being so prolific. I don't think anyone actually reads all of this anyway.

September 12, 2009

[revjim.net] -- success is measured in happiness

I talk about change a lot here. It's not because I'm unhappy. It's just that I always see ways to make things better. I am a perfectionist, of sorts, but I've revised my thoughts there with the understanding that performance and tangible success is not always the best measure of happiness and yet, happiness is the premier measurement of success.

So here we are. It's time for some more change. These changes are only based on theory though. So they aren't really changes… they are trials. After one week, I'll make sure I'm on the right track.

So here are my three goals:

#1) Exercize every day. EVERY day. At least 30 minutes. No excuses.

#2) Send individual invitations instead of inviting in bulk.

#3) Base relationships on their current status, not what they could be or what I want them to be.

September 11, 2009

[revjim.net] -- Dreaming of Alligators

snap snap

Last night I had a disturbing dream. This always seems to happen when I can't find a way to get comfortable in bed.

I was talking on the phone with Emily. Celeste and I had just been some place and Emily was mentioning that there was another place near where we were that served tea that might be fun to visit with the kids one day. So, Celeste and I were taking a walk though a small park that joined the two in order to go check it out.

As I walked through the park I was holding Celeste in one arm and still talking to Emily. I looked over through some trees to the right at a pond and saw an Alligator there, just coming out of the water. Before I could run he snapped at us catching Celeste's left leg in his jaws just below the knee.

Here's where it gets even stranger. The alligator didn't bite all the way through. In fact, if he would just open his mouth she would more than likely have nothing more than a few puncture wounds that would heal quickly. So I was holding Celeste with an Alligator attached to her leg and had a choice to make. I could kick at him, maybe getting him to let go, or maybe pissing him off so much that he attacks us again, this time, no doubt, much worse. I could pull Celeste out of his mouth, more than likely leaving her leg seriously damaged and then run like hell. Or I could just wait to see what he does next, hoping that he opens his mouth and leaves us alone.

This scenario is how I see almost every difficult choice I have to make. And similar choices are currently at the forefront of my mind.

In my dream, the last part of it, from the bite onward, continued to repeat itself. Each time I'd try something a little bit different. The outcome was never good. In one scenario, we managed to break free from the Alligator only to find his friend waiting a few seconds down the path. However, in my dream, waiting it out was never attempted. Trusting the Alligator was simply not an option.

[revjim.net] -- Texas Coast: Day 4

(This is Texas Coast Day 4, Saturday, September 6th.)

Kids and Dogs

The plan was to go to a park, then take a nap, then have lunch, then go to a petting zoo, then have dinner.

Breakfast was had but by the time everyone was ready to go, it was already time for lunch. So we went to get some food. Afterwards we stopped at the grocery store, took the scenic route through Beaumont home, and then put Celeste down for a nap.

Celeste and Gumbo

When she woke I got her ready to go to the petting zoo, but when we got there it was a sad sight to see. There was hardly anyone there, only a couple of sad animals in very small cages plus ponies that walked in circles. So, we decided it wasn't worth it, and went to the park instead. It was particularly hot that day, so our trip to the park ended quickly.

We made one last stop at the grocery store and then went back home.

Lots of people came over that night for dinner and good times. Celeste swam in the back yard pool, and really enjoyed the Gumbo that was made. We all stayed up late to watch Bonnie spin fire and then sat and talked late into the evening while the toddlers had a dance party in the living room.

All in all, a good day.

September 09, 2009

[revjim.net] -- Texas Coast: Day 3

(This is Texas Coast Day 3, Saturday, September 5th.)

The bucket

We started the day out with some breakfast cooked at Justin's Mom's house where we were staying. After breakfast, we headed out to an Alligator Farm. We saw Crocodiles, Alligators, Cayman, Snakes and Turtles. A tour guide gave a nice long talk about the animals and even let us touch them. We left the tour because it was rather long and everyone was getting antsy. We were going to eat on site, but the wait was too long so we picked up some BBQ to eat back at the house.

The pink chair on the shore

After Celeste's nap we headed back to the beach. This time we'd be meeting lots of other people there. There were 5 toddlers in all and the beach was full of cars and people. I dug a hole in the sand to serve as a private toddler ocean being continuously refilled by the oncoming waves. Celeste had a blast looking for seashells, rolling in the sand, playing in the waves, and walking down the beach and dancing yo other people's music. She particularly enjoys Tejano.

As the sun was setting and we'd had our fill of sun and sand we packed up and headed back to home base, stopping at dairy queen for a quick meal.

September 06, 2009

[revjim.net] -- Texas Coast: Day 2

Celeste watching Poi

(Since I'm now a day behind, I'd better include dates to keep things clear. This is Texas Coast Day 2, Friday, September 4th.)

We started our day with an awesome breakfast. Then did some grocery shopping, visited some people including three adorable toddlers, and then came home for a nap.

After nap, we headed out to the beach for a late afternoon / early evening swim. Celeste loved it. She didn't open her eyes underwater, was not afraid of the waves, and had a blast looking for seashells, watching the birds, and playing in the sand. When it got dark enough, Bonnie spun Poi on the beach and Celeste watched in awe. It was a LOT darker out than this photo makes it look. Bonnie loaned me her Canon G9 which I had on a tripod and took a 1 second exposure to capture this.

I got bit up pretty bad by mosquitoes in the last 15 minutes before we left. 20 bites or so in all. I'm usually almost immune to them. Celeste, who was in my arms, didn't get any bites at all. So I guess I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Instead of going with the flow, I was starting to get stressed out about sand and baths and dinners and drives and all of those other things. I tend to be a beacon of peace and anti-stress… until I'm not. It's like a lightswitch. At any rate, in the middle of all that stress Celeste, who probably sensed it, bit me. And then shortly there after the mosquito attack happened. So, with all of that together, I was in full blown panic mode, which is not good.

Aside from not quite being curvy enough, Justin was a good surrogate wife for the evening, though. He calmed me down, made some jokes, and had fun with Celeste until I got back to my usual self. We sat down for a good dinner, Celeste discovered a love for Ranch dressing, and then we headed home.

A good day, all in all, despite my panic attack.

September 04, 2009

[revjim.net] -- Texas Coast: Day 1

Hiking in Huntsville

The trip out wasn't bad at all. Much better than I had feared. I picked Celeste up around 10am and we arrived in Beaumont just before 6pm. She only slept for about 45 minutes of the trip. We stopped for lunch in Corsicana, for an hour or so of hiking in Huntsville, and a handful of additional times for diaper changes, refuelings, and toy fetchings. Celeste really didn't get cranky until the last 45 minutes or so.

Huntsville State Park is beautiful. Well, I didn't see all of it. But the bits I did see were beautiful. Even now, the weather was nice enough to enjoy it. In a month or so, it'll be perfect.

After settling in and playing with puppies and such, we headed out for dinner with a bunch of friends. Then we came back for a bit more play, bathtime, and such.

Celeste was acting a bit strange last night. Most likely because of the lack of a nap and the new environment. She didn't want to take a bath. Cried the whole time. I'd normally just go with the flow and skip it, but I didn't know how early we were leaving and she really needed a bath. Putting her down for bed was a huge fight, too. She was clearly cranky, so I brought her to bed like I usually do. Only this time she wanted nothing to do with it. Ordinally, I'd just let her stay up longer. But she was being cranky even when I told her that if she stopped we could go into the living room.

I had to be really stern with her and tell her that I needed her to stop and I needed her to stop RIGHT NOW. Finally, she said "okay" and, with a few little whines here and there, the crankies turned off like a light switch.

We watched a show about the building of the Grand Canyon Sky Walk on NatGeo and she fell asleep in my arms on the rocking chair. She only woke up once in the night. I was worried she'd wake the whole house. But, after 5 minutes or so, she went back to sleep.

Today's plans are undetermined. A little grocery shopping, maybe some hiking, and some friends to see. Then, perhaps an Alligator Farm or a late night trip to the beach.

September 02, 2009

[revjim.net] -- getting clean, the coop way

Many of you may not know this, but I make my own shower gel, shampoo, conditioner, lotion, and household cleanser. Well, not entirely, I use base materials, of course. And I scent with essential oils. In the end I end up with something all natural, non-toxic, kid safe, and as organic as possible.

When it comes to everything but the household cleaner, I get my base materials from North Texas Coop run by a good friend of mine. The base materials are dirt cheap and the products are very good. Plus, because we order in bulk we can reuse containers which is a nice save for the environment.

For my shampoo and body soap, I use a combination of Sandalwood, Tea Tree Oil, and Ylang Ylang. Smells wonderful. For handsoap, I use sweet orange, and ylang ylang. For shampoo and body soap for Celeste, I use Geranium and Lavender. For household cleanser, I use Lemongrass. You can, of course, use whatever you want.

At any rate, it's wonderful, I save a lot of money, and it's fun and easy to do.

I'm writing this here now because you might be interested in joining us. We're just about to place an order. So, if you want in, speak up now. Otherwise you'll have to wait 3 more months. This order is for Shampoo/Body Gel/Hand Soap and Conditioner only. $2 for 8oz and you have to bring your own containers.

Let me know. Quick! I'll even share my essential oils with you, if you're nice.